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I remember making this journal as a means of coping with my parents. It was over 2 1/2 years ago when they decided to get a divorce and finally seperate. Over the last year, I have felt I had the utmost control over the situation and my parents were no longer the point with which I would dwell on anymore.
Today, my mom called me crying. My dad didn't show up, again, for a court hearing which would decide how much money my mom (and her kids) get. My dad told me he lost his i.d. after his first flight, so he just couldn't make it. The judge threw the court fees at my mom after she asked "What am I supposed to do?". All he could do was offer sympathy and her attorney began a new scheme to milk her for all she is worth.
My mom is like me in that neither of us can handle being out of control of our own lives. My mom had to turn to her mother and stepfather for money. My mom has always hated my stepgrandfather, and while my grandma would almost always be willing to help, she chose not to, and it was my stepgrandfather who chose to reach into the insurance policy of his recently deceased son to give my mom the money.
She called me sobbing today, and it was one of the hardest moments I have ever experienced.
I hate my father, and I hated my mom for how she reacted towards my father. Now, the irony is that my father likes me best of all out of his kids (even though he was terrible to me as a kid), and my mom and I have gotten along better than we ever have since I've been in college. She cried because she couldn't provide the lifestyle that I once had anymore, and that she had to go to her mom for money, and her mom wasn't even willing to pull her out of a crisis.
Not long ago, I got facebook messages from a friend, who told me she heard my sister wsa doing cocaine. She had become friends with the worst of people who I knew to be both unstable and addicted. My mom was recently called in to school because my sister was going to fall U.S. History because she kept skipping class.
My brother lost his scholarship money because he couldn't work his way out of his computer science major courses. Only after he lost his scholarship did he change his major. He's living in an apartment that he cannot afford and he has no option but to dump on my mom.
I will be an RA next semester, with a double major in Poli Sci and English, with a minor in Spanish. I have probably been the happiest I have ever been in my life, and now with things just going to hell in a handbasket, I feel both a sense of guilt and remorse. My sister, even with therapy, might be completely lost. She is on me anyway. She won't listen to my mom, and even as we battle to prepare our house to be sold, my sister doesn't even have the decency to keep anything clean. My brother tries hard with everything he does, but he doesn't always make the best choices and he tends to be a glutton for punishment.
I now look back on my past and realize that I was always a little unstable, and my self-esteem and any sense of pride had been shot. I was dependent on those around me, in a way like this post, seeking attention by showcasing my lifein all its tragedies. The one big difference is this time, I am the one who is comfortable. Still scared, but comfortable. I do not post this for some plea towards affection and understanding, but rather so that those who do care just know. I have shyed away from my livejournal, because it really was such a burden and it held so much of my life that I want to cast away, both my parents seperation and my teenage angst even when I seemed happy.
Overall, I think I'm done with this livejournal, and this might be my last post for this one. It documented my progression throughout what may be the most troubling period of my life. But, I'm tired of lingering on it. I know, in a way its all kind of funny, because in this post I see reflections of myself when I thought it was cool to speak in some dumbass metaphor or when I felt I had some image to hold. So, if you find this cheesy, that's fine.
I'm just thinking about how I felt at the beginning of this, what has become a monologue, and I find it comforting that at the end now, I'm really glad. I will make a new account. I will keep this one just to know it is here, but I won't look back on it. This morning was one of the saddest mornings I have ever had, but I now choose to never feel like I owe anything to anyone else ever again.
Woot.
K-chan
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(4 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
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Tagged by: Oddrid
List top 10 songs that start with a letter designated to you by your tagger. My letter: O
Beck - O Maria
Weezer (old time classic) - Only in Dreams
Architecture in Helsinki - The Owls Go
Of Montreal - Oslo in the Summertime
Stars - One More Night
Cake - Open Book
Hot Chip - Over and Over
The Flaming Lips - One More Robot Sympathy
The Notwist - One with the Freaks
The Notwist - One Step Inside Doesn't Mean You'll Understand
Comment if you want to play and I'll give you a letter.
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(pick up the phone)
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Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
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I have come to the sad realization that my livejournal is dull, and I stopped loving it long ago. Therefore, I would like to change it. Either to A) Katamari Theme or B) Okami Theme.
If it will be A) I will either change my name to King of the Cosmos, Prince, or Katamari (of course assuming necessary variations to account for people being more creative and/or addicted than I am).
It it will be B) my name will be Okami/ Okami Amaterasu / Issun.
I ask for your feedback and hopefully a kind, beautiful mistress from a local Georgia hotspot would be willing to help me format it...
K
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(4 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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Monday, February 26th, 2007
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I'm just posting to test the internet capabilities of my Wii. Yes, I am a sad individual but I'm just having too much fun!
K
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(pick up the phone)
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Thursday, February 15th, 2007
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Tuesday, February 6th, 2007
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I just finished Zelda. I was touched. Firstly, hell yes to getting rid of Navi and introducing new guide. I'd go into more detail but a) the people who know what I'm talking about already know enough and b) I have no idea how to make a link to hide my spoilers. Thus, I will continue speaking vaguely. I also give lots of credit to Twilight Princess for holding true to the classic in some ways while changing it up in others. A classic example of this being weapons - old favorites and new KICK ASS AWESOMENESS. Some of those weapons are just too cool even for me.
I'm tired of school in its entirety. Classes are dull aside from Judicial Process, where we discuss idealistic views of modern law and then everyone gets knocked down a peg when you realize how tricky, corrupt, and depressing law really can be. Statistics state that only 1 out of every 60 or so cases for your middle level attorneys will actually be in front of a jury, the rest of it is either bench trials or plea bargaining. But, I still love it, and I know I'm lame for ranting this much about law.
I'm ready to move out of Capstone and into the Quads for apartment style living with my buddy Chauncey, who has huge gauged ears, but he only has a myspace and I can't seem to get a photo of him because he's all private. But, that's the good news. The bad news is that a nice guy, who's obnoxious and a detriment to society is choosing to live with us, and I don't want to tell him "no", but he's asking for it. He thinks he's God's disciple just because he has a job at Hollister (Yes, that's right...) and can't seem to get enough of himself. Hollister both pains me and makes me question his sexuality...
Tomorrow, I get to identify metals by the colors that form when I put acids and bases together. That's all I look forward to...
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(4 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
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Well, it's 6:00 a.m., I've been awake sense I woke up after my ear was hurting at 2:00 a.m., and I feel lackluster as a whole.
I feel extremely awkward and depressed out of nowhere, and I can't sleep because I feel so low.
Christmas was disappointing. It was rough watching everyone else opening things they really wanted, because Mom couldn't actually find a Wii for me, so my gift was an I.O.U. I'm not mad at my mom, and I'm more than grateful for letting me have one, but it was hard getting gifts that were completely impersonal and virtually thoughtless because my mom was so wrapped up in making it a perfect Christmas for herself. I even wrapped some of my own gifts on Christmas eve. My dad sent me a gift bag with money, toothpicks, 2 flashlights, and a colorful rock. What the hell are they thinking? The Catch-22 here is that I feel really ungrateful and selfish, but I feel like my gifts were found in the wal-mart bargain bin and they were picked out blindfolded. Another weird slap in the face is getting Twilight Princess for the Wii, and not being able to play it yet. But, I am excited about getting one in the near future. I only wish the actual Christmas experience was like it used to be - VERY thoughtful and planned.
I'm also sick of people I don't want to see. I've spent countless hours cooking, cleaning, and attending parties/get-togethers throughout my break and I just wanted something simple. I feel like this is my break from college, because I missed the relaxing home environment because my roommate doesn't make it easy to settle. But I feel so obligated to cater to others, and I want it to end. I miss seeing the people I want to see, and I'm exhausted with friends of the family who annoy the hell out of me.
My next adventure is picking up my brother from Atlanta on the 30th. As much an idiot as he is, I missed him, so it will be good to see him. I plan on making it down to the aquarium, if anyone is interested in joining me. I hear they have whales, and little excites me more than seeing live whales. Maybe penquins at the zoo, but that's it in terms of animal life.
I just want to be able to come home, but not deal with my family. They are too high maintenance, and I miss just seeing my close friends. So, today, after I wake up problem around 2 in the afternoon if I ever go to sleep, I'm going to just go out. Maggie, John Allen, Romana, Lindsay - I haven't seen you guys in a long time, and I've missed you. I'm sorry if I haven't been a good friend, but I just want to see you guys.
And I'm sorry for rambling and moaning, but I feel like a douche.
Maybe now, that all that's out, I can get some sleep. I just need to convince myself that I'm not ungrateful, just hurt by my family.
I think I beat myself up too much.
K
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(1 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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Thursday, September 14th, 2006
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Ignore my subject for this post (I just felt a little Jamiraquai was a necessary part of everyone's life), for I have found something better to do than dance. Wish me luck as I start downloading EVERY chapter of Bleach this weekend, followed by One Piece, followed by whatever else it should be followed by (this requires some input on you guys... GIVE ME THINGS TO READ!!!).
I needed a manga fix, and while Naruto has picked up the pace (I am planning on starting the I heart Azuma and Shika club), I'd like to be fully enthralled so as I always have something to do. I expect this to take probably the entire semester to catch up, but why not?
K
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(3 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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Monday, September 4th, 2006
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Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
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I've never felt so comfortable in my life. Seriously, I can't believe how simple college is. It makes me so happy.
I've made a good bit of friends, mostly those though who have been in my life for a while but never had a chance to really connect with me. My floor is rather obnoxious, but I'm trying to get along with them. My nerves are wearing thin though...
Columbia really isn't bad at all, just hot. ALL THE TIME!!! I go to sleep, I'm hot. I wake up, hot. I cool off in my car only to step out into the hotness, again. It really does blow.
Will Spears has become my recent lifetime friend who I never knew existed. I'm glad we really got to know eachother. SADLY, no one shares my love for anime in the surrounding corridors, and I managed to meet one person with very similiar music tastes. Unfortunately, I was drunk, and acting stupid, playing DDR with kids I had never met, and so I'm afraid to call her and her friends because I be they think I'm a fool. But I hope it works out because they like good music, they like beer pong which I'm always game for, and they play DDR and my new project Guitar Hero (for you Thomas).
There's been a lot of drama, and of course my mom keeps calling. The obnoxius thing though is that she's calling me asking if my brother (who left for Hong Kong) has sent me an email. Then she wants to know how my classes and such are going. Sneaky she-devil. But the overall freedom from her is unbelievable. I can again think clearly, and make my own decisions (which have included turning my diet around, working out, and going out for the rugby team WHICH LOOKS AMAZING!!!!!!11111111!!!1!11!! (that's for you Lindsay, because I miss you. If I had a "your mom" joke, I'd throw it in there too)).
My roommate still blows because he befriends all the obnoxious people around me. Then they come to my room and leave chocolate on my bed after they throw my books on the floor.
My classes are okay. I've got a new, modern age Dr. Whiz for a Chem. teacher. My Poli 101 teacher is like Zaidman, but for politics. English, fun. I'm excited about the books assigned for reading (If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things, A Star Called Henry, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime),so I'm happy. But my speech teacher sucks. He reminds me of the guy here:
Nevermind. I can't find him online. But he teaches everyone CPR, brings oreos and coffee, feeds them to his cats, possibly a flaming homosexual. No one knows his name.
I hope everyone else is okay. But now I need to start reading for tomorrow's class. At 1:30 a.m. Congratz me for being stupid.
K
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(pick up the phone)
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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
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Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
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I've been wondering why I've been in a funk, especially within these last few weeks, and finally, at 8:08am today, I realized I'm angry because the last few days at home are miserable, and I choose to say this lightly. The more my mom is haunted by the day I leave, the worse she gets almost as a means of trying to make me stay. I can't explain it really.
For example, I actually went out and played poker last night and lost $30 of my own money, then stayed the night with a friend. I kindly woke up at 7:30 to take her car in for an oil change. She proceeds to tell me to clean out her car since she hasn't even woken up yet. I do, then she tells me I need to clean up the house so that the cleaning people coming today can clean it (???????????????). I'm now perturbed since it is 8:00 in the morning. Then she whines to me about papers she can't find and tells me I need to devote my day towards finding them for her while she lectures me about how I don't make enough money to lose it in poker (I'd would have spent it on food if I kept it...). She then gets mad at me for being upset at her attitude, after I did all those chores. Now I am finding her clothes for her as she complains about her "miserable life".
She cannot live without her children, so she plans to get as much as humanly possible out of each one of us until she can't suck out any more life in them. She will die when all her kids are in college because heaven forbid she turn her own car around or find her own lost anything.
So if I've been moody, grumpy, or just downright angry with anyone, I apologize, and it's not your fault, but hers. She is trying as hard as she can to get EVERYTHING out of me, and when you're counting down the days until it's virtually over, it takes its toll on your psyche. In approximately 9 days, 23 hours, 27 minutes, and 24 seconds, I will be the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I won't have to live with her anymore.
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(3 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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My house brings nothing but stress, sorrow, and most recently death.
Early this morning my neighbors came exploring a rancid smell coming from across my creek in our woodsy area of my backyard where they were fortunate to discover the body of the man from Texas who killed four people, claimed he had nothing to live for, and took tons of sleeping pills and pain relievers as his means of suicide.
He had been dead for a week.
Welcome to my house...
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(pick up the phone)
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I have yet again neglected my obligations towards my livejournal, but I am back and in full swing... I hope.
To begin- summer has been VERY good. I've seen almost all the people I was hoping to see at least once and I've done awesome things. CONA was just amazing, and I couldn't stop crying the last night. I'm keeping my rocking chair for all eternity. But for those of you who missed my awesome speech (SLAVERY!!!), I'm sorry.
The family has actually been managable. My mom still flies of the edge every chance she gets, but the fact that I'm leaving both calms her down and makes her want to appreciate the time we have together more. She's angry right now, but whatever. If you just play a game of gin rummy with her, she gets over herself.
Vacations have been nice, including first week. Sadly though, I don't think I can ever make lasagna again. Don't get me wrong, it tasted great. But let's just say that it didn't taste so good later on in the night.
Even school stuff is going well. My dad is buying me a nice entertainment laptop and my mom opted to buy me a loft which she was adamantly against earlier this week (cheapo). Just today my roommate, Pete Shooner, emailed me. It was awkward because he is from Cincinnatti, and I immediately tried to get ahold of him about 2 weeks ago, but he refused to respond. Not only that, his email address was shoondawg06@akljdkljadsfjk.com, which I think would turn anyone off immediately. Turns out he's an awesome guy who I think I will really get along with.
Lastly, I do miss you YIG kids, and you kids need to call me. I know I was supposed to have a party, but I completely dropped the bomb on it. Sorry.
K
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(1 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
| Subject: | Music Fun... |
| Time: | 1:10 pm. |
| Mood: |  French...?. | | Music: | The Flaming Lips - "Mr. Ambulance Driver". |
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Step 1: Put your iPod, Winamp or whatever on random.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING! (NO CHEATING)
1.I can see a lot of life in you.
2.Of all the shooting stars I knew, I never felt at ease with any one but you.
3.I know Seymour’s the greatest, but I’m dating a semi-sadist. (EASY!) Little Shop of Horrors - "Somewhere That's Green"
4.Demonstrate, I was raised from the start.
5.Trouble falls in my home. Troubled man, troubled stone. Sufjan Stevens – “The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts
6.Something’s wrong because my mind is fading and everywhere I look there’s a dead end waiting. Beck – “Devil’s Haircut”
7.I’ll be your chauffeur on a midnight drive. Beck - "Nicotine and Gravy"
8.Can’t you see I’m trying. I don’t even like it…
9.Slung from the whory heaven, with disbelief suspended on a shiny pendulum of faith. Firewater = "Black Box Recording"
10.Drivin’ on nine, you could be a shadow. The Breeders – “Drivin’ on Nine”
11.I’d swim across lake Michigan. Sufjan Stevens - "To Be Alone with You"
12.I finally feel at ease. I’m on an eastern breeze. It blows me to the shore.
13.When you were young you were… (If I finish it it’s too easy) Neutral Milk Hotel - "King of Carrot Flowers Part 1"
14.Time stands still, all I can feel is the time standing still… The Magnetic Fields – “I Think I Need a New Heart”
15.Tokyo… (then crazy musical interlude) The Books - "Tokyo"
16.Last week I had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed… The Postal Service – “Sleeping In”
17.Everytime I start to remember, I remember I don’t want to remember.
18.Coming down, from on high… Firewater - "She's the Mistake"
19.There was a decorated general with a heart of gold... Dispatch – “The General” (OLD favorite)
20.Jesus don’t cry, you can rely on me honey. Wilco – “Jesus, Etc.”
Okay, the majority of mine are REALLY easy. Apparently, Itunes loves 2 bands A LOT!, but for the rest, you’re on your own.
And here's some clues: 1 and 4. You've already guessed the artist for another song, now figure out these songs.
8. Obvious, but not without the music. Big band though.
2, 12, and 17 are all the same band.
13. Second lyric:"And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees."
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(13 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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Saturday, April 29th, 2006
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So, this is a shout-out to all you Physics gurus out there. I am in desperate need of help, thanks to Mr. Edwards and his evil group project funtime. Basically, here's a rundown of my situation. My group (3 other people) was in charge of making a machine capable of transferring a penny on a table into a cup 10cm high, 10cm away without using electricity, motors, anything like that, and you can only touch the machine once and nothing can touch the penny or the cup before or after the process begins. This project is due Monday. My group told me they had the machine under control and in 6th period they showed it to me guaranteeing it worked, and it did. Later on however, I realized it only worked when it was more than 10cm apart, because the ramp they made needed more space, and if we presented this, we would get a C at best. I began creating a new ramp and almost had a solution, then, our source of force (A ruler with a string attached on one end and taped down to a block of wood on the other end) broke, and the actual thing only worked once every 10 - 15 times (I have 3 tries).
All in all, with prom, Econ project (due Tuesday), AP exams (Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday), Don Quixote Paper, and the slide show also required for the Physics project, I find, I have no time to sleep this weekend. Not only that, I am obligated to spend all Saturday before the prom in Columbia for the Democratic State Convention. If I could get out, I would.
Anyway, long story short, ANYONE who would be willing to help save me from a complete disaster on Sunday, give me a call, or I'll probably call you, and I will pay you with food and goodies (other benefits to be expected after AP exams). I'd call my group, but they decided not to exchange numbers, and they're also all bums. Anyone willing to save me will be GREATLY appreciated, and I promise I'll be your slave for a day whenever you want if you help me. No lie. So anyone who can help, just give me a call.
K-chan (in despair)
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(pick up the phone)
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So, it's been a while. And it will probably be a while before I put a real post up. The only reason I offer this one is that I'm asking anyone in Greenville, or interested in coming down to Greenville, should come see Greenville High's production of Little Shop of Horrors either tonight at 7:00, tomorrow at 7:00, or Sunday at 3:00. I got the fine opportunity of directing it and seeing as it was the most horrible experience of my life, it would be nice to see friendly faces laughing at the pain that was this play. Anyone interested give me a call, or just come.
Thanks.
K-chan
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(2 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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Thursday, March 30th, 2006
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Well, I got a swift kick in the butt today.
It started off great as I met Maggie, Romana, and Dan for breakfast where I had a tasty strawberry waffle and laughed at Romana as she indulged on her Sierra Mist at 7:45 in the morning.
School was school, nothing special, it hasn't been for a while, except for the Special Olympics, which was both beautiful and depressing at the same time.
I went to play practice, and basically no one shows up and everyone else wants to leave for 45 minutes. I don't want to be a jerk, so I let them, and I stay alone listening to really bad rap and bad singers as I paint the set.
Everyone comes back, and we start working, and all they do is talk about me behind my back, led by Sam Roberts, about how horrible of a director / person I am. Then they eat my Doritos from my backpack. Then they whine about not getting CDs. Then I told them they were acting like deuches, and needed to grow up. Sam proceeded to "quit" in the drama queen matter he so enjoys, then goes off on how disorganized I am, and how the plays failure is all my fault, I don't listen to anyone, and I'm never at practice.
I tried defending myself by saying I didn't need to explain my actions to them, I don't need to make them schedules, as actors they shouldn't have to be told how to do everything, it's not my job to listen to them, if they would spend less time talking behind my back we could get more done (I want to add that Sam railed me for not being at practices after having left for 45 minutes for no reason. He is also the kid who complains about not getting anything done, but spent a good 30 minutes of our time throwing balls of tape at me, and when I called him out on it denied everything until I forced his hand open, revealing another tape ball).
It was awkward though having Mrs. Keene defend me as I said I was doing the best I could and they couldn't expect me to deliver the world to them (they said that was my job) and that I've always asked people to be direct with me and about the whole talking and disrespect thing. They continued to argue I was a bully, and I was still being too harsh on Jason (our lead), saying I was staking out his role. I obviously don't want his role, because if I did I would have dropped him a long time ago.
I came home, made schedules, prop lists, and I'm burning them all CDs in the morning just because I have to work and go to college all this weekend.
The worst part is, on my way home, I cried, thinking I couldn't give any more of myself to everyone else. I've stretched myself too thin, and I need to use college to start over, making myself happy alongside others.
One thing is for sure though. Drama queens make life unbearable.
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(8 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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My mom has decided she won't attend graduation if my dad is going to go. I'm trying to convince her that she doesn't have to interact with him at all. She doesn't like the thought of him "supporting my education" because he won't support anyone financially.
Why are my parents bratty, nasty children.
I'd give anything to be able to move on right now.
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(6 answered me at last | pick up the phone)
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
the_gourd_baby's journal
I don't even know.
tired.
giddy.
drunk = eyepatch????.
crappy.
thankful.
calm.
ecstatic.
infuriated.